With Love, by Li

I am Fighter!, originally uploaded by liphotos.

The customized purple wristbands are in, as you can see above. The colour purple has a variety of causes supporting it:
- Eating Disorder Awareness - Alzheimer’s Disease
- Chrohn’s Disease - Domestic Violence
- Epilepsy - Fibromyalgia
- General Cancer - Lupus
- Pancreatic Cancer - Cystic Fibrosis
- Relay for Life

The main reason I made this customized wristband, however, was because I wanted a physical reminder of the strength of a person and their will to fight against any adversity. Anyone who battles the above and anything else (physical, mental or emotional), whether it be obvious or invisible, could wear this wristband.

I only bought a limited number of wristbands—50 to be exact since they turned out to be ridiculously expensive. I have one, my sister has one and the following sizes remain:
33 - Adult
10 - Child
5 - Large

If you’d liked to buy one, I am selling them for $4.00CAD each. As of April 8/08, the currency converter states four bucks Canadian is the equivalent to:
$3.94 USD
$2.51 EUR
$2.00 GBP
$4.23 AUD
etc. etc.

Message me here if you’d like one or feel free to e-mail me: withloveby at gmail dot com. Take care everyone and keep fighting. Love,

Li

If I was able to conquer an eating disorder, why can’t I conquer depression? They are both mental illnesses and both are part physical and part emotional. I’ve overcomplicated the issue of recovery from depression and now I need to simplify the matter. Which brings me to a decision: I am not going to let depression beat me. What controls my mind? My moods? My behaviour? The dopamine & serotonin levels in my head did in the past but today is the day I put my foot down!

I am in control. I write my own destiny. I am responsible for my own happiness.

1) Daily positive self-talk.
Just like I talked my way through a meal step by step, I will now talk my way through a day, hour by hour, minute by minute if necessary. This is the most difficult part because it sometimes seems impossible to change thought patterns, however, do something long enough and it becomes a habit so I know initially it’ll be difficult but it will get easier. Positive self-talk is also the most important step because what kind of mental state you’re in determines the outcome of your thoughts and actions.

2) Taking good care of my physical needs.
Sleeping properly (the recommended 8 hrs/night), eating all meals and snacks and of course, getting some form of exercise, whether it be walking home from school, putting on a pilates DVD or hoping on the elliptical machine in the basement.

3) Visual reminders.
This is to be taken literally. During my ED recovery I wrote a list of things I thought were important that I not forget, such as “Numbers do not determine my self-worth.” It was hard to stop and read this entire list every day so this time around I am keeping things simple. I plan on making signs and sticking them on my bedroom walls. I already know what two I am going to put up: “This too shall pass.” and “Dream big!” These visual reminders are just to help me through tough times and keep me motivated during good times.

4) Talk it out!
Bottling emotions only leads to future meltdowns. It’s not emotionally healthy. Whenever anything is bothering me I will write it down on my physical journal or my online blogs and then talk about it with my friends, family and my new counselor.

—————-

I have to be patient. Recovery from depression will take time just like recovering from an ED. Having one or a few bad days won’t make me a failure. Over the next few years, those few days will hardly make a difference. What will are the good days. I know that the brain is a powerful machine and capable of extraordinary feats. Win the fight in the mind, the body will follow and depression can be conquered.

It’s interesting what my life experiences have taught me. I thought the three years I spent in uni were a complete waste until I began this program, because it is in uni that I learned to juggle a heavy workload and became accustomed to studying 5-6 hours a night. It makes the two hours a night I study for SP seem like a breeze.

Prior to having mental illnesses, I judged those with mental illnesses the same way people already judge them—wrongly and inaccurately. There is a wide ranging list of reasons as to why someone isn’t at a certain point in their life at such and such age and being sick is one of those reasons. Unfortunately, one needs to qualify for “obvious” illnesses like cancer to claim sickness as a justifiable reason for having left post-secondary or not having attended at all or being unemployed. To admit to having a mental illness is not to admit to having a legitimate disease with horrific side effects but it is seen as an admission of a serious character flaw. Society turns mental illness personal; they blame the sufferer. I used to believe this. I used to be very ashamed for having left uni and labeled myself a drop-out. It took me a long time to realize how ridiculous it is to say eating disorders and depression are the sufferer’s fault. It took me a long time to get rid of that guilt and shame and to proudly state the truth—that I removed myself from a school that made me miserable and sought help to conquer my illness.

If you currently suffer from an eating disorder or are in recovery, please don’t be ashamed and please don’t feel you need to explain to strangers your circumstances. I’ve only told one person in my class about my history of an eating disorder and thankfully–as my intuition predicted—he handled it well. I don’t dare tell anyone else in my class about my depression because I know they’ll make critiques on my social, economic and/or educational status.

Stupid society has a problem with labeling. You’ll only be seen as successful when you’ve accomplished certain life experiences. For instance, I bet I’d be seen as a “loser” for not having slept with anyone yet and not having been in a relationship. People immediately wonder if something is wrong with me for not having “achieved” a certain level of intimacy at my 22 years of age. Or worse yet, assumptions are made that I abstain for religious reasons. Pul-ease. The fact that I’m selective, that I haven’t found anyone worthy of my love and have enough self-respect to not settle for the first thing that came my way is probably not even on their list!

Don’t let judgments and stigma break you down. Everyone moves at their own pace. If someone else sees that as too slow or not good enough, whatever, they can believe what they want.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience
in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror.
I can take the next thing that comes along.’
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

- Eleanor Roosevelt

This day, October 11, last year (2006), was the day I left treatment at the eating disorder day program at my local Children’s hospital. It was that day that I decided to fight the eating disorder and I put my entire heart into it.

Starving/restricting, over-exercising, self-flagging was making me miserable. At the time, that was the point; I felt being miserable was what I deserved. I had felt less than human and like I shouldn’t be treated with any respect. What made me so different, what made me so horrible that I didn’t deserve the same rights even a murderer receives in jail? I couldn’t come up with an answer and I came to embrace the truth that I deserved not just the basics, but the best in life.

Whenever I see an injustice in the world, I have the urge to take up arms and fight for the cause. I did this with myself, for I suddenly developed a fierce loyalty and protection for the person who had endured unnecessary and uncalled for punishment.

I took on a new motto: Pain is to be avoided at all cost. I had been through enough and didn’t need any more.

I discovered that my true, ultimate goal was to be happy. For a while, I confused being skinny with being happy. However, eating disordered behavior is painful and since pain was no longer an option then the ED wasn’t an option. I had to reevaluate my values. I wanted to regain my compromised health and I wanted to achieve this by taking the road of least resistance—taking care of myself, feeding myself, nurturing myself etc. Now health equals happiness.

In the end, I looked the eating disorder straight in the face and said: “I’ve survived you and now I can survive anything.”

Stare into my Eye, originally uploaded by Li Photography.

I saw her on the bus this morning. She stood directly in my line of vision by the back doors. Her jean clad spider legs caught my attention. Those are the size of my arms. My stare traveled down to her ankle. The circumference of her calf is equivalent to her thigh. My stare wandered back up to the tight hugging sweater wrapped around her tiny ribcage. She has the sickly, malnourished look of a severely eating disordered person…and she weighs no more than 100.

The next instant the seat to my left became available and she plopped down. I did not feel a weight change in the seat like I do when most people sit down next to me. She held books in her hands. I looked at those bony fingers and there on the knuckle of her left index finger was a scabbed over scrape and another one mid way up on her hand. Scrapes you only get when you stick your hand down your throat on a daily basis. She’s bulimic.

(more…)

Rage has consumed me the last few weeks. I am angry at my life, at myself, at my parents and at certain friends & things that happened with them. This entry elaborates the latter. I know that one of these friends is going to read this. And it might upset her. But this is my safe place, my forum to vent and I’ll live with the any negative reaction this provokes.

(more…)

A year ago I heard the song “Fly” by Hilary Duff. At the time I was intensely suicidal and the lyrics gave me a sense of hope and courage for the future. In such a state of agon, I was astounded I was able to be moved at all. I purchased tickets to Hilary Duff’s July 31^st Calgary stop on her Dignity tour. I managed to score wicked close seats. When the day came I was my typical depressed self and was looking forward to experiencing my first concert and getting a reprieve from the humdrum of loneliness that is my life. 

I wasn’t the only one walking down the snaking corridor from the train station to the Saddledome. I instantly felt out of place amongst the dozens of ten year old fans, who were clutching home made posters and wearing Stuff by Duff. The only other adults were the parents.  I tried desperately to ignore my embarrassment. But it was difficult to do, especially when sitting in the crowd with an eight year old on my left staring at me strangely.

(more…)

I couldn’t seem to shake the sadness that griped me on the 21st of July, my birthday. I felt like there wasn’t anything grand to celebrate. I continue to be unemployed and out of school and living with my parents. My sister wrote an entry about me that really cheered me up and my friend Ali ticked off a list of all that I had accomplished this year.

Accomplishments for the 22nd Year of My Life
- Recovered from an eating disorder.
- Regained my health.
- Built up my self-esteem.
- Beat general anxiety.
- No longer suicidal.
- Depression managable.

I suppose it wasn’t a complete waste. I admit in regards to the depression that I am probably the best I have been all year mood-wise, motivation-wise etc. The lower the dosage in my anti-depressants, the more depressed you’d think I’d get but I’m relatively the same as I’ve always been. Perhaps less anxious and not suffering such extreme moodiness but still have that black cloud hanging over me. I doubt it’ll go away soon.